Reacting Positively to Challenging Behaviour & BIG Feelings
Reacting Positively
I talk A LOT about how “some”challenging behaviour is absolutely natural! We’re not going to be able to prevent ALL of our Littles challenging behaviour or BIG feelings, nor do we want to. It is a very natural part of our Littles development. I have a course titled, “The Behaviour Roadmap” - Your Personal Parenting GPS to navigating your Littles Challenging Behaviour & BIG Feelings.
The whole goal of this course is to make the challenging behaviour happen less often, for shorter periods of time, and with less intensity so you are not overwhelmed with challenging behaviour and big feelings all of the time!
Since we are going to be met with challenging behaviour and big feelings SOME of the time, we are going to need to know how to react positively to our Little in those moments.
The hope is to find calm and highlight the positive behaviour we actually want to see, instead of focusing on the challenging behaviour that may be happening!
Calming Strategies
Our Littles learn to calm by (1) seeing adults calm, (2) being helped to calm, and (3) practicing calming strategies. They won’t learn by being told to calm down.
“I'm pretty sure keeping myself calm, while my Little is not calm, is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done” and I know i’m not alone with that!
It took me a long time to realize that part of the reason I feared my Little’s overwhelming and intense emotions was because I had never learned to feel safe with my own, and felt it VERY triggering when it would happen. If you are still struggling with finding your own calm or have really good intentions about being calm but every interaction with your Little or challenging routine turns into a fight or yelling match, do not worry, you are absolutely not alone! Check out The Grow With Me Academy (I have included a link to learn more) to begin to find your own calm again!
When we focus our attention on the negative or challenging behaviour, we are actually providing attention and reinforcement for those behaviours, so guess what - they are actually going to be more likely to happen again because of all that attention & reinforcement. So what do you do about this? STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE AND CHALLENGING BEHAVIOUR. Focus on the positive behaviours you DO want to see!
SPOTLIGHT THE POSITIVE
Imagine you are shining a flashlight on the positive behaviour you want to see: Only the positive behaviour will show in the spotlight—you won't see any of the negative behaviour in the darkness!
First, spotlight and focus on the POSITIVE—ignore the negative!!
Remember that the focus is always on increasing positive behaviours, not on decreasing the behaviour that you don’t want to happen.
Spotlight the positive behaviour.
Ignore or redirect the negative behaviour.
Having a hard time finding the positive?
First, you need to find YOUR calm - it may be triggering if your Little is having a hard time, so take some time to find your calm!
Second, you can help your Little get to a calm place (using one of the calming strategies we are going to talk about next)
Try redirecting them to another activity and then use that calm time to be proactive and shine that spotlight!
It may take time, but the more you spotlight the positive behaviour you want to see, the more they will do it!
An example, if your Little has been screaming on and off all day, everytime you try to talk to them or tell them something they scream, anytime you try to get a routine completed they scream. It feels never ending, and you can’t find any positive behaviours to spotlight!
Pause for a moment and regulate your own body. What helps you to feel calm? Slow breaths? Visualizing a calm place? Humming?
Next, you’re going to model that calm behaviour for your Little.
When you spotlight the positive you are using something called "positive reinforcement," which encourages desired behaviours by introducing rewards right after you see the behaviour, in order to encourage that behaviour to happen again in the future!
It can be one of the most effective behaviour modification techniques.
The use of positive reinforcement encourages the behaviour that you want your Little to repeat.
Reflect on some challenging moments you have had recently with your Littles. How could you have switched things up and focused on something positive your Littles were doing, instead of focusing on the negative?
Examples of Spotlighting the Positive
Sharing
“You just shared that toy with your sister; look how happy she is! How did that make you feel?”
Even if two minutes earlier they were having a really tough time sharing, their behaviour will change more quickly if you focus on the good sharing they did in that moment, instead of reprimanding them for not sharing earlier!
**Side note, it is developmentally appropriate for our Littles to not want to share, I wouldn't push the sharing TOO hard!
Difficult Routines
“You worked really hard at putting your pyjama pants on so quickly.”
On nights when your Littles are having a tough time with the bedtime routine, focus on the positives that they are doing—they will be more likely to keep doing positive things for you to notice!
Hard Time Listening
“Wow, you really focused on using your listening ears!”
When your Littles are having a hard time listening, avoid saying the same thing over and over again or getting frustrated because they’re not listening. Look for that one time when they DO listen and give them BIG praise! They will be much more likely to listen the next time.
Learning Together
Like I said earlier, Reacting Positively to our Littles Challenging Behaviour & BIG Feelings is one of the essential strategies ALL parents should know and use daily. I go through this strategy along with three other essential strategies I recommend to all parents and families I work with.
To learn more checkout my course, The Behaviour Roadmap - Your Personal Parenting GPS. You get access to the course, press play, and it will guide you on your journey through the four essential pitstops of parenting!
In this course we will learn about the basics of behaviour, connection & communication with our Little(s), how to create more structure & predictability, and what to do when we can't prevent challenging behaviour and BIG feelings. Head to www.thebehaviourmama.com/behaviour-roadmap-learn-more to learn more about the course.
Checkout my website www.thebehaviourmama.com for more information on who I am, what I do, and how I can help!
