Offering Choices to Lessen Challenging Behaviour
There are certain strategies that ALL parents should be using every single day. One of those strategies is offering choices to your Littles. I am going to take you through everything you need to know to be able to see less challenging behaviour and BIG feelings over time with your Littles with this simple strategy!
Regardless of the challenges you are facing with your Littles currently, beginning to offer choice in your everyday routines will make the world of difference!
People often say to me, why should I be offering my Littles so much choice, they aren’t going to get that in the real world – But aren’t they? As adults in our privileged society, we ALWAYS have a choice in what we do - some people may argue this with me, but there is always a choice (often the alternative choice is usually not preferred so we feel like we have the choice made for us - but ultimately we always have a choice). We get to choose our clothes, our food, usually our professions, our partners, how we spend our days, etc.
We can choose if we want to go to work; If we don’t want to go to work, we could stay home - but there will often be a natural consequence that comes with it.
It is the same with our Littles. We could offer our Littles a choice with EVERYTHING they do, but WHY should we do that?
Why offer choice?
Offering our Littles choices:
Builds relationships - they feel like an equal part of the relationship
Fosters a sense of respect and trust - our Littles feel as though because you are giving them more of a choice that you respect and trust their decision making skills
Invites cooperation - when our Littles feel as though they have more independence and choice in their day they are more likely to cooperate, because guess what - it was their idea, not yours!
Provides the opportunity to use their voices - being able to make a choice allows our Littles the space and freedom to use their voice and say what it is they want and need! How beautiful is that, this will only continue to grow over time and they will have more confidence in using their own voice!
Allows them to make their own decisions - who doesn’t love making their own decisions about their own lives, instead of having someone else always making the decisions.
Teaches them responsibility - at some point we all have to learn that certain choices bring positives and other choices bring negatives, when we allow our Littles to make their own choices this also brings more responsibility for them.
To develop ownership & autonomy of their choices - the definition of autonomy is self-governance, when we provide more choices to our Littles they have more of a sense of freedom
Encourages them to problem solve - making choices provides opportunities for our Littles to be faced with difficult decisions and be given opportunities to problem solve - obviously with our guidance when they’re little!
Develops cause and effect awareness - basically meaning that all actions have consequences, and through making choices they will learn that when they make a certain choice they will get a certain outcome. This is something that usually has to be learnt through practice, not necessarily through someone telling them what may come of a certain outcome.
Capitalizes on our Littles normal human need for power and control - we all crave power and control to some degree in our lives. So, when we fight the craving and provide this for our Littles it creates less power struggles and fights because we have put a lot of the power in their hands (developmentally appropriate obviously).
How Vs. What
So, usually at this point I have many parents thinking - this sounds like a nightmare, is my Little just going to run my house from now on?
I am definitely not saying let your Little have free reign and make all of the choices - (has anyone seen the movie Yes day? I feel like that could go very wrong! LOL) I understand in a day that things just have to get done, I am a mom - I am right there with you. So if we can’t change WHAT has to be done, can we alter HOW things can be done instead?
What does this look like?
Offering choice involves giving our Littles the choice between different options regarding how something can be done. Offer them the choice of HOW, while holding constant on WHAT needs to be done. In other words, how the TV gets turned off (by you, or your Little) is a choice. You aren’t discussing whether or not the TV will be turned off, you are just offering more choices about how it will happen!
When you offer choices to your Little, you are still holding your boundary about what needs to be done. As a parent, you are in control of what happens in both your environment and in your Little's environment (that is how we keep them safe). What you are doing when offering choices is giving your Little(s) more control over how things happen in their environment.
How would you feel if someone was always telling you what to do, what to eat, when to do something, and how to do it? It would be hard to feel like you had any control over your own life and choices, right?
Our Littles feel the same way - regardless of their age. It is human nature to want power and control over pieces of your life. They just want some control in their little world! Littles are NOT ready for you to give up all control and let them make all of their own decisions, as they are too young to be able to do this on their own. But it is your job to slowly give them more control as they become ready and to teach them the skills they will need to take on more responsibility over time.
How Vs. What
Offer them the choice of HOW, while holding constant on WHAT needs to be done
What happens when they refuse BOTH choices?
Maybe they engage in a challenging behaviour, yell "NO", or just playing ignore you?
When my Little isn’t cooperating, I try to come at it from a place of curiosity instead of other harsher reactions - remember that we are always wanting to put our detective hats on and get down to why our Littles are acting the way they are, instead of always focusing on the challenging behaviour or big feelings right in front of us. I believe that our Littles usually WANT to listen and cooperate with us, but if they’re not, there is usually a reason that is keeping them from doing so - and they need our help!
I want you to think of an iceberg for a moment. Icebergs usually have a tiny bit of ice at the top showing, and then a lot of ice below the water that we actually aren’t able to see. Imagine that your Little is like the iceberg, the challenging behaviour and big feelings are the top of the iceberg that we can see, but there is so much more going on underneath that we aren’t able to see. Perhaps our Little wasn’t able to hear the choices we gave or perhaps they have really big feelings getting in the way of making the choice. It is only when we can address what’s going on underneath the surface that our Littles can follow through with what we’re asking of them.
“Imagine your Little is like the iceberg
The challenging behaviour and big feelings are the top of the iceberg that we can see, but there is so much more going on underneath that we aren’t able to see”
Here are some steps to guide you:
(1) Take a deep breath!
This situation will likely trigger you. Were you expecting your Little to follow along and calmly choose? Or perhaps when they yelled “No!” It triggered a parenting narrative that you have around authoritarianism or obedience? Acknowledge this trigger.
(2) Connect with your Little.
Ask them, “What do you need right now?” When your Little is having challenging behaviour, they are typically lacking the skills or motivation to communicate their wants and needs appropriately at that moment.
(3) Remember your Little is allowed to have Big Feelings!
They are allowed to feel hard things. They’re allowed to be bummed about the boundary that you are setting, or disappointed that they have to stop doing what they are doing before they want to. Those are feelings they are going to experience for the rest of their lives...just like you do.
(4) Happiness is not the goal.
The goal isn’t that they are happy with the boundary or the choices you gave them. It is that they know you understand where they are coming from and trust that when you say something you mean it.
(5) Avoid too many choices
Too many choices can lead to overwhelm, usually two is enough. The younger your Little the less choice they can handle, as they grow they can typically handle more. (start small and work up!)
(6) Accept the Choice
Whatever your Little chooses should be fine with you - you are the one that offered it. Don’t offer your Little a choice that you aren’t going to follow through with. If you don’t like the choice they made, it sounds more like a loaded choice which leads more into manipulation. Example, “Would you rather do your homework now or stay home tomorrow from the pool and do it?”. Swap your language to something like, “If you don’t do your homework now, you will do it during your pool time tomorrow” - it’s the reality, you are just laying it out for them.
What to say / do when your Little says “No” or doesn’t make a choice:
If your Little does not make a choice in a timely manner, make the choice for them. Let your Little know what is happening though. “If you don’t choose, I will be choosing for you”
Here are some phrases you can try:
“You really want to keep playing instead of getting in the bath. I get that. I’ll set the timer for three minutes and when it goes off, I can help you to the tub or you can walk by yourself.”
“I’m wondering if you’re wishing Mama could put you to bed instead of Mommy tonight. It is hard when Mama has a long workday and isn’t home at bedtime.”
“Are you shouting ‘No’ because you’re frustrated by those choices?" [PAUSE] “Would you like to pretend to blow up a balloon with me, or maybe we can do 10 big jumps to feel calm and then we can talk about it?”
“I know it is hard when the rules at our house are different from those at Nana and Papa’s. When the timer beeps, I can turn off the TV if you choose not to do it before then
Remember, we’re not changing WHAT needs to be done - we are just giving them choices about HOW it can be done. Try to also avoid giving them too many alternative choices if they refuse the two you gave. If offering choices doesn't work in the moment. I want you to pause and take some time to connect with your Little and make the routine or task fun, then offer the choice again after a reset! You got this!
When to Use Choice
When order doesn’t matter
When it really doesn’t matter what order something happens in, give them a choice of how it can be done
Clothing
This is usually a big one with parents, my philosophy - pick your battles.
If you are going somewhere that attire really matters → give choice A & B if possible
Outdoor wear - if your Little does not want to wear clothing fit for the season it often comes down to natural consequences. Put the item in their backpack or car.
Clothing tells a lot about our Littles individuality, try to control it as little as possible.
Offering When
“Do you want to ______ now, or in 5 minutes?”
When our Littles feel more empowered, they are more likely to cooperate
Brush your teeth, bathe, eat, leave, turn off technology, clean up, etc.
Choices with meals & snacks
I understand this isn’t always possible, but when it is, try it!
“Do you want spinach or carrots for your veggie?”
“How would you like your waffle? Cut up or whole?”
“Do you want cheerios in a large or small bowl?”
“Would you prefer milk or water?”
“Do you want your bread toasted or plain?”
Choice of Activity (with you or not)
Double Whamy - you knock a choice and connection off the list with this one
I have 20 minutes to hangout, what do you want to do?
I’ll play anything with you, what would you want to play?
I feel like playing a board game, i’ll let you pick the game if you’ll play with me?
Would you like to ride in the stroller or the wagon?
Choosing the book
Do this as early as possible! Not only are you empowering them with choice, but the benefits of our Littles choosing their own book are endless (you also get more of a taste into what they are enjoying or their interests right now!)
Choice of Extracurriculars
If you have a younger Little, they can choose between 2
Let them choose their own summer camp
Choice in how they socialize with their peers
Do you want to play soccer or basketball?
Do you want to play spring ball and fall ball or just one?
HOW they play
This should be a childhood right!
Play should feel like FREEDOM!
Try to avoid overscheduling your Littles, and allow more time for free play - the benefits are endless!
This is often why we as adults look forward to the weekend - there is less structure and more free time! We get to decide how we spend our time. The same is true for our Littles.
Limiting Screen Time
Don’t get me wrong, we use screen time in my house and I know it is a personal choice, but I think many of us can do with less screen time - right?
Do you want to play inside or outside?
What do you feel like playing?
Do you want to play together or alone?
Do you want me to get out the paints or the markers?
Do you want the play dough or kinetic sand?
Should we get out the sidewalk chalk or the sprinkler?
What could you do with this cardboard box?
What could we do with these blankets? Hmm, we could build a fort or a vehicle?
Problem solving
You had the car and now he wants it. How can you both compromise?
One of you wants to play upstairs and one of you wants to go outside? There’s only one me. Do either of you have a solution?
You’ve been crying at bedtime that you’re hungry. How can we make sure you’re not hungry tonight?
Learning Together
Like I said earlier, choice is one of the essential strategies ALL parents should know and use daily. I go through this strategy along with three other essential strategies I recommend to all parents and families I work with. To learn more checkout my course, The Behaviour Roadmap - Your Personal Parenting GPS. You get access to the course, press play, and it will guide you on your journey through the four essential pitstops of parenting!
In this course we will learn about the basics of behaviour, connection & communication with our Little(s), how to create more structure & predictability, and what to do when we can't prevent challenging behaviour and BIG feelings. Head to www.thebehaviourmama.com/behaviour-roadmap-learn-more to learn more about the course.
Checkout my website www.thebehaviourmama.com for more information on who I am, what I do, and how I can help!
