Behaviour Basics
There are certain strategies that ALL parents should be using every single day. In my course, The Behaviour Roadmap, we go through Four Essential Pitstops AKA strategies ALL parents should know and use daily.
One of those strategies is understanding Behaviour Basics with your Littles. I am going to take you through everything you need to know to be able to see less challenging behaviour and BIG feelings over time with your Littles with this simple strategy!
Regardless of the challenges you are facing with your Littles currently, beginning to understand Behaviour Basics will make the world of difference!
In the first pitstop I want to make sure you know and understand the basics of behaviour; What is behaviour and why it happens!
WHAT ARE THE CHALLENGES?
OK! I want you to stop and take a minute and think about what is going on for you and your Little(s). What is the challenging behaviour(s) that you are dealing with currently with your Little(s)? Take a minute to reflect on the challenges you are facing in your house right now.
Once you have reflected, I want you to look at the challenges you listed, then ask yourself this question: “Whose behaviour needs to change; my Little(s) or my own?”....
I know your first response is.. “Definitely my Little(s), they are __________ (e.g. hitting, kicking, screaming, tantruming, not listening, etc.) It is THEIR behaviour I want to change”. BUT hear me out:
If we want to change certain challenging behaviours in our home, we NEED to first look at the behaviour we have COMPLETE control over… Our Own!
Remember that Our Littles are supposed to have a certain level of challenging behaviour—it is a normal part of growing up! It is our job as parents and caregivers to guide them and give them the tools they need to have less intense reactions and fewer challenging behaviours over time.
WHAT IS BEHAVIOUR ANYWAY?
In the behaviour world, when we talk about ‘behaviour’ we really mean ‘ANYTHING a person says or does’.
Typically this involves all the things other people can see; we call these overt behaviours
It also involves things everyone else may not be able to see such as feelings, emotions, thinking, and remembering; we call them covert behaviours.
Regardless if it is behaviour we can see or not, ALL behaviour is Communication. Every single person on this planet communicates through behaviour (positive and negative), even if they are not aware of it!
BEHAVIOUR = COMMUNICATION
Since all behaviour is communication, I want you to get in the habit of asking yourself when your Little engages in the challenging behaviour
“What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
There is ALWAYS a reason for Challenging Behaviour
Our Littles sometimes have trouble communicating, because they may not be able to verbally describe the problem or know what to do in a situation. At these times, children may act out their feelings or needs. Littles engage in challenging behavior for a reason. The purpose may be getting someone’s attention, stopping an activity they don’t like, or satisfying sensory needs — but there is always a reason behind the behavior.
So, the next time you say, “the behaviour happened out of the blue for no reason”, remember this course, and think - “there is always a reason, I just need to be a detective and ask myself, what is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
So, the next time that your Little has a challenging behaviour I want you to say to yourself, or out loud:
#1 My Little is learning and does not have the words to communicate their want or need right now
#2 It is my job to bring the calm to this situation
#3 Play detective and say, “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?” or “WHAT is my Little trying to communicate through their challenging behaviour?”
WHY DOES CHALLENGING BEHAVIOUR HAPPEN?
Every Little will have days when things aren’t going their way. The bubble bath is “too wet” or the milk is “too milky,” their favourite cup is “blue NOT red,” or something else that we think sounds completely unreasonable! When our Littles are dysregulated it can be helpful to remember this truth: Your parental logic and reasoning during moments of big feelings will likely not be heard or understood - their listening ears are off. Your Little's brain is still developing. They NEED your calm to find their calm. The part of their brain that is responsible for emotional regulation, thinking before doing, empathy, self-reflection, and logic, is simply not yet developed.
In moments of dysregulation, their primitive fight or flight instincts take over. This is when we see crying, tantrums, yelling, kicking, or simply shutting down. They literally CANNOT think logically during times of dysregulation! Remember, it’s not actually about the "milk being too milky!" Avoid focusing on the words they are saying, and remember your Little is likely just as confused as you are! Instead of joining in their chaos or trying to use logic, remember that they need to learn new ways of coping with these big feelings. They learn to do this through a process of co-regulation. BUT, before we jump ahead and talk about what to do with these big feelings and challenging behaviour, we first need to figure out WHY the behaviour is happening.
ABC’s OF BEHAVIOUR
The ABCs of behaviour involve:
Setting events and Antecedents,
Behaviour,
And Consequences
The ABC Model is used as a tool that allows us to be better detectives in exploring the clues surrounding our Littles behaviour. Remember, ALL behaviour is communication. When we are trying to figure out what our Little(s) are trying to say through their behaviour, we can look at the ABCs of Behaviour!
The ABCs are a typical behaviour sequence for ALL behaviour. (1) there are triggers that slowly (setting event) or quickly trigger (antecedent) the (2) behaviour to occur, and (3) there are ‘consequences’ or things that we do after the behaviour to make the behaviour more likely to happen again in the future.
WTF - What is the FUNCTION (AKA Why is the behaviour happening?)
So WHAT challenging behaviour is occurring in your house? Whining, defiance, tantrums, aggression? I’m sure it didn’t take you long to think of a list of items that are challenging right now. The WHAT is typically very easy to focus on, as it is what is in front of us constantly and consumes our attention. Focusing on the WHAT will help you identify the problem initially - which is great! We need to know there is a problem before we can mediate it.
NEXT, we need to start focusing on the WHY! The WHY will lead us to solutions! In the behaviour world a fancy name for the WHY is the ‘function’ - this basically means, why is the behaviour happening, or what is the reason for the behaviour?
When we know why a behaviour is happening, it makes it easier to:
(1) Think of strategies to decrease the challenging behaviour
(2) Teach our Little a more appropriate way to get what they want / need
There are 4 Functions or reasons why behaviour happens. An easy way to remember them is a fun acronym. Everyone engages in behaviour, everyone EATS.
E=scape, A=ttention, T=angible, S=ensory.
1.Escape / Avoidance
Your Little may be engaging in the behaviour in order to escape a situation, task / activity, person, attention, asks from others, or certains environments.
May happen when something is too understimulating, hard, easy, boring, or undesired.
2. Attention - Seeking
Your Little may be engaging in the behaviour in order to get access to attention from other people. The attention can be positive or negative.
Something desirable from someone (praise or affection)
Something undesirable from someone (reprimand or verbal argument)
3. Tangible (Access)
May be engaging in the behaviour in order to access an item or activity (tangible).
Used to get food, activity, and/or an object
4. Sensory - Seeking / Avoiding
May be engaging in the behaviour to get or remove internal stimulation from information through senses (touch, visual, auditory, movement, taste, temperature). Also known as
self-stimulatory or automatic reinforcement.
May occur anytime, especially when our Little is anxious or excited
Join my FREE Webinar, Decoding Littles Behaviour, to learn more about WHY our Littles have challenging behaviour & BIG Feelings!
Learning Together
Like I said earlier, learning more about Behaviour Basics of our Littles Challenging Behaviour & BIG Feelings is one of the essential strategies ALL parents should know and use daily. I go through this strategy along with three other essential strategies I recommend to all parents and families I work with.
To learn more checkout my course, The Behaviour Roadmap - Your Personal Parenting GPS. You get access to the course, press play, and it will guide you on your journey through the four essential pitstops of parenting!
In this course we will learn about the basics of behaviour, connection & communication with our Little(s), how to create more structure & predictability, and what to do when we can't prevent challenging behaviour and BIG feelings. Head to www.thebehaviourmama.com/behaviour-roadmap-learn-more to learn more about the course.
Checkout my website www.thebehaviourmama.com for more information on who I am, what I do, and how I can help!
